Firlefanz
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Exercise #2 7/31/06 - Fist Fight
I'm not sure about you, but I've found that a number of people have trouble writing action.
So that's what this exercise is about. Write about a nice fist fight, and make it dramatic. 
Last edited by Firlefanz, 8/4/2007, 7:58 am
--- - Firlefanz
Reading: "Unser Kosmos" by Carl Sagan
Writing: Rewrite of the Unicorn Girl YA novel
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7/31/2006, 4:43 pm
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Firlefanz
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Re: Exercise #2 7/31/06
Okay, this is my take. Feel free to comment, tear it apart or improve on it. And of course, please add your own. 
*****************************************
Avra lashed out, his fist landing squarely on Barl's chest. Glee filled his heart, for such a good hit. He struck again, putting more force behind his blow. Barl reeled back, squeeling. Avra followed it up with yet another blow, hitting Bar right in the face. Triumph glowed in his heart, that would teach Barl to steal his treasure.
Barl growled at that, dropped his booty and squared his shoulders. Then his fists came flying, smashing into Avra, barely aimed, yet effective. Avra retreated from Barl's windmilling fists, screaming for help. His half-hearted defense didn't stop Barl, either. Avra whimpered, his revenge gone badly awry. He curled up in a ball, hiding his face from his opponent, shielding it from the blows.
"Oh, stop it, you two!" A hand reached down to remove the toy knight from the play pen. This was the third time in a row that the toddlers had gotten into a fight over it, and it was enough.
--- - Firlefanz
Reading: "Unser Kosmos" by Carl Sagan
Writing: Rewrite of the Unicorn Girl YA novel
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8/2/2006, 11:07 am
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BardNoir
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Re: Exercise #2 7/31/06
I liked the twist at the end there. At first I was thinking the fight was a little lighthearted, but now that it's over I understand it now.
Okay, my turn:
Damien didn’t see the blow coming as he’d already turned his back on Jacob. The blow came with as much force as it did confusion. The world slipped out of focus and Damien turned in hopes of understanding what might have just happened. He’d barely caught sight of Jacob throwing another punch and instincts took over as Damien brought a hand up to soften the blow that still opened a cut near his right eye.
Jacob stepped forward and launched a follow up punch hoping to knock the cleric out, but Damien was recovering quickly and ducked low to avoid the attack and shot a straight punch into Jacob’s hip. The blow caused Jacob to wince and stumble, giving Damien a chance to land another punch right into the rogue’s ribcage with a dull crack.
Pain echoed through Jacob’s torso as the fight swung back into the Clerics favor. A holy man by reputation, Damien was quickly proving himself to be quite the disciplined monk as a fist opened Jacob’s lip to give the rogue a taste his own blood. A follow-up punch sent Jacob backward and before he know it the Cleric was kneeling over him and pounding the younger man’s face as if kneading dough. Jacob’s world quickly faded away in a haze.
Suddenly it stopped. Jacob’s eyes were sticky with his own blood but he reached out to find the Cleric was no longer kneeling over him. Bronk’s strong hand grabbed his comrade’s wrist and pulled the small rogue to his feet saying “I told you these Evil Clerics were more trouble than they look.”
Wiping blood from his eye Jacob finally found the half-orc barbarian holding the un-conscious body of the Dark Elf Monk.
“Yeah, well – you’re not exactly known for you wealth of information, anyway.”
---
"No story that ever began 'So I was playing a Half-Elf, Chaotic-Neutral, Fighter/Thief/Mage' can ever end well." -The Bard Noir
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11/4/2006, 9:48 pm
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Firlefanz
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Re: Exercise #2 7/31/06
Interesting. Are you aware that you are shifting perspective at least once during this scene? That's something to look out for (and basically avoid), because it tends to confuse readers.
I still like your description of the punches and the reaction. Also, it's nice to be saved by a half-orc, for once.
--- - Firlefanz
Reading: "The Golem's Eye" by J. Stroud
Writing: The Nine Tomes of Magic - NaNo novel
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11/4/2006, 10:16 pm
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BardNoir
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Re: Exercise #2 7/31/06
quote:
Firlefanz wrote:
Interesting. Are you aware that you are shifting perspective at least once during this scene? That's something to look out for (and basically avoid), because it tends to confuse readers.
Actually the shift in perspective was intentional. I wanted the reader to experince the fight from both sides. At first I wanted you to indentify with the Cleric being attacked by a rogue, then I wanted you to understand the rogue was trying to get the drop on an evil cleric.
I can see, however, the point of it being confusing to readers. Would hate to loose readers over a stylistic faux pas, and keep that in mind for future references.
thanks.
---
"No story that ever began 'So I was playing a Half-Elf, Chaotic-Neutral, Fighter/Thief/Mage' can ever end well." -The Bard Noir
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11/5/2006, 5:14 am
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David Meadows
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Re: Exercise #2 7/31/06
Edward Playfair took off his jacket and handed it to Felicity. He began rolling up his shirt sleeves, and saw that Sir Charles was doing the same.
"Do be careful, Eddie!" Felicity murmured.
"Not to worry, old gal, I'm just going to teach this cad a few lessons."
Playfair advanced to the centre of the drawing room and stood face-to-face with Sir Charles. The two men were well matched, both tall and equally wiry. Playfair shook the offered hand.
"I won't hurt you too much, old man," he said apologetically.
"I shouldn't think you'll hurt me at all," his opponent drawled.
Both men raised their fists in front of their faces and began circling.
"After you, Sir Charles," Playfair offered.
"Nonesense, after you dear boy," came the response.
"Age before beauty," offered Playfair modestly.
"No, no, I insist!"
"Wouldn't dream of knocking you out before you get in your own shot!"
"I say," interjected Felicity. "Do you think we might get this over with before supper?"
"Sorry, my angel," Edward called over. He turned his attention back to Sir Charles just in time to see the fist coming towards him with the speed of a cobra. It struck him between the eyes and everything went black.
"Oh, dash it all!" cried Sir Charles. "I felt sure he would duck!"
"Ducking has never been his strong suit," sighed Felicity, dropping her fiance's jacket on to a chair. "I say, fancy a game of tennis before supper?"
(Sorry, but you did say
quote:
a nice fist fight
 )
Last edited by David Meadows, 1/23/2007, 3:51 pm
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1/23/2007, 3:51 pm
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Loud G
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Re: Exercise #2 7/31/06
I loved that David
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1/23/2007, 4:02 pm
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Firlefanz
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Re: Exercise #2 7/31/06
That is a very nice fist fight indeed. 
Thank you, David. I love your take of this exercise.
--- - Firlefanz
Reading: "Tabula Rasa", SF Anthology
Writing: Konrad II - workshop short story
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1/23/2007, 7:23 pm
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Pastor Rick
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Re: Exercise #2 7/31/06 - Fist Fight
Scene two - Perdin's first fight.
----------------------------------
 Perdin snorted with disgust as he looked around the corner to see what looked like yet another dead end. "At this rate it will take me a year to find a way out of here!" he thought. Suddenly he felt his knapsack being lifted off his back and he whirled around just in time to see the stout boy running around the corner. Perdin dropped his club and took off after the boy shouting "Come back here you Thief!" After three turns the pair came to a long straight corridor and Perdin saw his chance, he pushed himself harder, ignoring the pain in his chest and launched himself in a flying tackle, knocking the boy off his feet and sending the knapsack flying.
The boy swung his fist catching Perdin square in the side and causing Perdin to gasp. Now it wasn't a matter of just getting his knapsack back. No mere boy was going to beat him with impunity. Perdin struck out with his own fist but the boy ducked and hit him again. Over and over the same pattern repeated itself and Perdin found himself falling down and rolling to the side just to avoid another hit. He was beaten and he knew it, beaten by a boy only half his size! The boy would run away now, he thought, and he would be without his knapsack, totally lost in this horrible maze of tunnels.
The boy came over to where Perdin had rolled and raised his fist for a blow that would knock Perdin out. Perdin saw the blow coming and moved his head out of the way just a fraction of a second before it landed. Crunch, a sickening sound to Perdin's ears made as the boys fist smashed into the floor and broke all four of the boy's knuckles. Seeing his chance Perdin launched his own fist upward, catching the boy squarely under his chin and knocking him out cold. Resting on his knees Perdin gasped for air as he looked at the boy... "Wait a minute," Perdin thought with a shock, "That isn't a boy, it's a Hobbit!"
----------------------------------
I typed this one in as a post so I ended up doing a couple of edits to correct mistakes I saw after hitting the submit button...
Last edited by Pastor Rick, 7/24/2010, 3:31 am
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7/24/2010, 3:24 am
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Firlefanz
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Re: Exercise #2 7/31/06 - Fist Fight
I like it. And I love seeing Perdin again. There's just one passage that I would edit:
quote:
Perdin struck out with his own fist but the boy ducked and hit him again. Over and over the same pattern repeated itself ...
This looks a bit like lazy writing.
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7/24/2010, 3:43 pm
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Pastor Rick
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Re: Exercise #2 7/31/06 - Fist Fight
I was going to give a more vivid blow by blow description but I was worried about the size of the post so I admit I dodged a bit. I don't want to make a post too big for the exercises. Are the two posts I have made on this about the correct size for this or am I making them too short?
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7/24/2010, 3:59 pm
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Firlefanz
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Re: Exercise #2 7/31/06 - Fist Fight
They are just fine, Rick. Don't hestitate to add a few paragraphs, though, if you think it makes the scene better.
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7/24/2010, 8:55 pm
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Pastor Rick
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Re: Exercise #2 7/31/06 - Fist Fight
So... do I edit my post to get it better or do I repost it or did I just mess up on this one?
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7/27/2010, 9:31 pm
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Firlefanz
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Re: Exercise #2 7/31/06 - Fist Fight
Good question, nobody did ask that before. 
I'd say post a new version, don't edit the old one, or the comments won't make sense.
Have fun!
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7/28/2010, 7:17 am
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Pastor Rick
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Re: Exercise #2 7/31/06 - Fist Fight
Scene two - Perdin's first fight. (take #2)
----------------------------------
Perdin snorted with disgust as he looked around the corner to see what looked like yet another dead end. "At this rate it will take me a year to find a way out of here!" he thought. Suddenly he felt his knapsack being lifted off his back and he whirled around just in time to see the stout boy running around the corner. Perdin dropped his club and took off after the boy shouting "Come back here you Thief!" After three turns the pair came to a long straight corridor and Perdin saw his chance, he pushed himself harder, ignoring the pain in his chest and launched himself in a flying tackle, knocking the boy off his feet and sending the knapsack flying.
The boy swung his fist catching Perdin square in the side and causing Perdin to gasp. Now it wasn't a matter of just getting his knapsack back. No mere boy was going to beat him with impunity. Perdin struck out with his own fist but the boy rolled away and hit him again with a right jab before dancing up and back. Perdin jumped up and charged forward flailing both fists but the boy leapt high into the air and kicked Perdin square in the face with his right foot. Backward Perdin staggered to the middle of the tunnel and the boy kicked him again in Perdin's left side before dancing away again. Perdin spun around, his eyes glazed over in pain as the boy kicked his legs out from under him. As he fell Perdin was beaten and he knew it, beaten by a boy only half his size! The boy would run away now, he thought, and he would be without his knapsack, totally lost in this horrible maze of tunnels.
The boy came over to where Perdin had rolled and raised his fist for a blow that would knock Perdin out. Perdin saw the blow coming and moved his head out of the way just a fraction of a second before it landed. Crunch, a sickening sound to Perdin's ears made as the boys fist smashed into the floor and broke all four of the boy's knuckles. Seeing his chance Perdin launched his own fist upward, catching the boy squarely under his chin and knocking him out cold. Rolling onto his knees Perdin gasped for air as he looked at the boy... "Wait a minute," Perdin thought with a shock, "That isn't a boy, it's a Gnome!"
----------------------------------
Last edited by Pastor Rick, 2/8/2012, 8:09 pm
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3/28/2011, 2:52 am
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TexasMadness
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Re: Exercise #2 7/31/06 - Fist Fight
Yuck, I don't like this one. It took me 10 times longer to write than the first exercise. I think I was actually paying attention this time and so it was much harder. That must be my problem - trying too hard! But I can't figure out what I don't like so I figure posting it for criticism is the best thing to do. Maybe I'm just no good at a fist fight!
I tried hard to make it more complete this time!
By the way, I hate naming characters. Does it work with no names?
************************
It would be decided through trial by combat. The magistrate slammed down the end of his staff into the dry, hard-packed earth. The combatants tensed and circled. They were both bare-chested and held no weapons save what the gods gave every man. The younger man, a boy really, looked around wildly with his eyes snapping from one spot to the next. The older man stared straight ahead coolly. The small crowd of spectators was rather constrained and quiet. Until the first blow was landed.
The wiry boy flew through the air and slammed both fists into the man’s chest. The man gasped and reeled but caught his footing before dropping onto the dusty ground beneath him. Fired burned in the boy’s eyes as the man whirled around to find him already reset for the next attack. This one came just as fast as the first, but the man turned slightly to the right, raised his left arm to deflect, and landed a heavy strike on the boy’s ribs while receiving only a glancing blow himself. With the boy off balance, the man struck out again, this time on the offensive. He smashed his knuckles into the soft flesh of cheek and then hammered down with his elbow on the top of the boy’s head. The boy fell toward him, but it was a controlled move. Teeth sunk into the man’s side and a jerk of the boy’s head wrenched a chunk of tissue free. The man’s screams filled the air, even drowning out the hooting spectators.
The two were back to circling, reassessing their positions. The man feinted to the right and when the boy responded as predicted, the man put all his force into a left hook that laid the boy flat on the ground. The man was on top of him in an instant, holding his bloodied face down into the dust. The sound of a bone breaking was heard as the boy’s arm was twisted awkwardly behind his back.
“Enough!” bellowed the magistrate. The dutiful knight dismounted the wild boy and kneeled before the court. The uncivilized wildling was not so disciplined and now his rage was full blown. He did not even appear to notice his broken arm as he flung his leg through the air from where he lay. His heel connected hard with the base of the knight’s neck, knocking him out cold. Instantly, armed soldiers hauled him to his feet and held him in submission. He would never understand why he lost the case.
*******************
EDIT: Oh dear, I found two typos even after proof reading last night! I think I'm a "morning writer." I hope it's not too bad to edit this long after posting but they are minor (wrong tense, repeated word)
Last edited by TexasMadness, 1/13/2012, 4:24 pm
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1/13/2012, 4:47 am
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David Meadows
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Re: Exercise #2 7/31/06 - Fist Fight
It works without names, but you have to be more careful with "he" and "him" I think. For example:
quote:
His heel connected hard with the base of the knight’s neck, knocking him out cold. Instantly, armed soldiers hauled him to his feet and held him in submission.
In this paragraph, "him" is the knight and then "him" is the boy. So I had to take an extra second to decide that the soldiers were lifting "him" the boy not "him" the knight (it's logical that they might be lifting either, as both are on the floor at that point). Confusing your reader, even if only for second, is a bad thing.
Apart from that minor point, you do a good job of making it plain by using "boy" and "man", and they do the job just as well as names would.
---
Columba est praeda aquilae
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1/19/2012, 3:31 pm
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Reythia
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Re: Exercise #2 7/31/06 - Fist Fight
I agree with Meadows. You used the titles "man" and "boy" distinctly enough that I never became confused. I wasn't confused by the use of "he" in this case either, though Meadows is right that that's something you have to be careful about.
As for the rest of the scene, I thought it was well done. Then again, I'm not really the best one to ask, since I don't like to write OR read fight scenes! (I find them boring.) So it'd probably be better if someone who actually likes reading the blasted things also does a review. From my perspective, it was clear, short, and descriptive, which is typical of these things, so I'd say it was a job well done.
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-- YAR!
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1/19/2012, 3:40 pm
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Flasheart2006
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Re: Exercise #2 7/31/06 - Fist Fight
Rick:
Looks like a perfectly acceptable scrap to me. You keep us informed of what's going on, it isn't difficult to picture the two characters' actions, and all in all it's well written. You can give yourself a pat on the back. And I love that final line!
The one thing I would say (and I know it seems to be the only advice I dish out at the moment!): it could do with being a bit longer. I appreciate that this was just an exercise and you were worried about making your post too long, but I would personally have liked to have had a longer scrap. (after all, the fight itself is only that single paragraph in the middle) Don't be afraid to go into vivid detail about the combatants' movements/actions/thoughts--a lot of advice about writing fight scenes is to keep them short, sharp, and snappy, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you should feel obliged to make the entire scene overly short, nor does it preclude you from having some violent fun! Just go with your gut and don't worry about writing longer pieces.
But, in answer to your comment over in the fireplace, I'm not embarrassed to tell you how bad it was, because it wasn't bad at all! Well done,
quote:
Reythia wrote:
I don't like to write OR read [X] scenes! (I find them boring.)
You say that so often it's lost all meaning! 
Last edited by Flasheart2006, 3/4/2012, 10:29 am
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3/3/2012, 11:32 am
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Reythia
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Re: Exercise #2 7/31/06 - Fist Fight
quote:
Flasheart2006 wrote:
quote:
Reythia wrote:
I don't like to write OR read [X] scenes! (I find them boring.)
You say that so often it's lost all meaning!
Well, it's pretty much only fight scenes and unnecessary descriptive scenes. Well, and excessive romance. But there are a LOT of those, so it comes up often!
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-- YAR!
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3/5/2012, 5:08 pm
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