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Lady of the Land
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Registered: 05-2003
Location: Germany
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Blurb for "Captive", my erotic SF novel


I've been dreading writing this. But this morning I woke up with the first sentence in my mind, and I even managed to name the planet where it takes place.

I would love feedback:
Does the story sound interesting?
Does this make it clear it's erotic SF?
Does this show there's a plot, as well?

 "Zell is one of the few Wild humans left on Fransissi Four. The colony has been conquered by aliens who use humans as their pets, breeding them for pleasure, entertainment and sports.

When Zell is captured by the Diles, his first task is to train a young woman for her role as her Master's future bed pet. Then he's offered as an entertaining bargaining chip to a female his Master is courting.

However, Zell is not a pet by nature. And his choices and actions create more change than anyone ever expected, including his Master..."

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- Firlefanz

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9/26/2017, 6:59 am Link to this post Email Firlefanz   PM Firlefanz Blog
 
nic0lette Profile
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Registered: 10-2017
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Re: Blurb for "Captive", my erotic SF novel


quote:

Zell is one of the few Wild humans left on Fransissi Four. The colony has been conquered by aliens...



Why only say "aliens" here? You give the name of the protagonist, along with a bit of description, and even the planet name, so I would expect the species name here.

quote:

... who use humans as their pets, breeding them for pleasure, entertainment and sports.

When Zell is captured by the Diles,...



If you say Diles above then this gets shorter too. "When Zell is captured" since we'd know who did the capturing.

quote:

...his first task is to train a young woman for her role as her Master's future bed pet. Then he's offered as an entertaining bargaining chip to a female his Master is courting.



The second part feels off to me. When I read it I kept wanting to somehow connect the training of the woman to the offer, but they're not (obviously?) related, are they?

My first impression is to make another paragraph, but that might be odd for other reasons, so I'm not sure what to suggest... Sorry =(

quote:

However, Zell is not a pet by nature. And his choices and actions create more change than anyone ever expected, including his Master...



Do you really want ellipsis there? It's such a strong statement, but then the ellipsis feel inconclusive to me.

Does the story sound interesting? Maybe? Right now the only thing I know is that Zell is Wild and he's going to change this alien society in a big way.

Does this make it clear it's erotic SF? Yup. XD

Does this show there's a plot, as well? Also yes. emoticon

I guess I wish I knew more about the world, or potentially what a "Wild" human is. Right now I guess it makes me feel like there's going to be a bunch of coercive sex, potentially romantic feels between the humans, and tearing apart of a slave planet, ... I mean, maybe that's great, actually ^^;

Maybe it's just not my type of story then. ^^;
10/20/2017, 9:35 pm Link to this post Email nic0lette   PM nic0lette Blog
 
Firlefanz Profile
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Lady of the Land
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Registered: 05-2003
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Re: Blurb for "Captive", my erotic SF novel


Ugh. I should have updated this. It's my old blurb and it doesn't follow the suggestions of a master blurber whose book I read in the mean time.

Let's see...

There are at least two names for the aliens - "Diles" which is the pejorative the humans use for them, and "Rhaussha", which they use for themselves (which is only revealed later in the story).

No, the training and the bargaining chip are not related. And I now learned that putting plot points into a blurb is a bad idea - obviously it confuses potential readers. The idea was to give a hint that this story has rather explicit bed scenes. emoticon

You did get everything right... but here's what I came up with after rearding that blurb book:

     They catch him.
     They make him a bed pet.
     But Zell is not a pet by nature.

     He is one of the few Wild humans left on Franssisi Four.
     And as his master finds out, his nature is indomitable.

Does that still work? Does it make the whole thing more interesting?

(And while there is a lot of sex, and some slave-related cruelty, Zell is lucky with his master, and they actually develop mutual respect and friendship - which does end up changing the whole society.)

Tentative blurb for part two, "Fugitive":

     They escaped.
     They are hunted.
     And Zell must keep them safe.

     Rhaussha and Humans working together.
     Change is in the air.

Last edited by Firlefanz, 10/21/2017, 5:30 am


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- Firlefanz

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10/21/2017, 5:28 am Link to this post Email Firlefanz   PM Firlefanz Blog
 


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